


Queenie's 70th Search Party

by GratiaPlena



Category: Jam and Jerusalem
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-23
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 21:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GratiaPlena/pseuds/GratiaPlena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Queenie's 70th birthday is coming up and the Women's Guild is going to make it a memorable occassion. Meanwhile Caroline and Susie find themselves at the center of some gossip. Clatterford hasn't seen this much excitement since 1988!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PINK CHEESE

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. They mostly belong to Jennifer Saunders and all others who have made Jam & Jerusalem such a wonderful series.  
> The only things I lay claim to are this storyline, and the spelling, grammar & canon mistakes.  
> The T-rating is for the many, many bad words used by Caroline. She can't help herself :-) Other than that the story is quite harmless.
> 
> The series ended entirely too soon, so this is just my way of living in its world a little bit longer.  
> I wrote my favourite type of scenes - Eileen leading the Women's Guild, the Vicar singing in church, Caroline trying to be cross with Rosie and Sal and Tip having a good gossip. Along the way a story emerged.  
> I also rainbowed Clatterford up a little, because in my opinion the world can do with a bit more gayness. It's all very innocent though, so I hope it will be readable for everyone.
> 
> Enjoy the story!

Eileen Pike, chairwoman of the Clatterford Women’s Guild looked at the diverse group of women in front of her. She straightened her Official Guild Regalia and coughed to get attention.  
“Well now, ladies. Quiet please!” She held up her hands. “Quiet Queenie, thank you. Now, last week I announced that Mrs. Oaks of the British Bee Society would be speaking on the subject of The Disappearing of the Honey Bees, but unfortunately she hasn’t gotten back in touch and has - in a sense - disappeared herself. I’m terribly sorry to announce this, but I’m sure one of you has something interesting that she wants to share with us?” She looked at the women before her, seated on fold-up chairs in the hall of the community center. “No one?”

“Let’s go to the pub then!” suggested Tip. Many of the ladies applauded and some were already starting to get up from their chairs.

“Now ladies, ladies!” Eileen shrieked, waving her hands frantically. Her Regalia tinkled against her bosom. “Ladies, sit down! I won’t have you suggesting to move our gathering to the pub! It just won’t do! We pay dues to rent this community hall, and we shall use it!”

“Ooh, she’s getting angry...” mumbled Rosie in a slight panic.

“No, Rosie, I’m not getting angry, I’m just a little disappointed. Now... since we have no speaker for today, I suggest we move on to the next item on our agenda...the card making for the elderly and the poor. Pauline, give everyone a leaflet from the Big Wheel with card making instructions, please? And everybody: join me at the card making tables.” Eileen ushered all women to a spot at the long tables in the back of the hall, which had piles of coloured paper on them. “Does everyone have a seat? Does everyone have an instruction leaflet? Now make sure to do your very best ladies. Remember: this is for the poor elderly and the poor poor! Make the Big Wheel proud!”

“Oooh this is lovely, this,” said Rosie, picking out some pink and golden paper. “Isn’t it? I think I will make a card with a dog. A golden and pink dog.” She thought for a moment, then added: “And a cheese. Can a cheese be pink? Yeah...What are you making, Pauline?”

“You know, I haven’t decided yet. I’m thinking along the lines of an industrial landscape in the style of Paul Klee of the Bauhaus tradition, but I’m not sure that I can find the right shades of paper,” Pauline answered calmly.

Rosie looked impressed.

Delilah, who had somehow been seated at the tables all along, hid her false teeth under a stash of red papers for safekeeping and proceeded to clip the edges off of the instruction leaflet.

Caroline, who was sitting opposite from Delilah, had just finished reading the instructions. “Sal, could you hand me a pair of scissors?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, Caroline.” Sal showed her the empty basket where the scissors were kept. “I’m afraid they are all in use.”

“Oh, no matter!” said Caroline. “I shall be scissoring with Susie.”

“No!” said Susie.

“Pardon?” Caroline looked up at her friend with raised eyebrows . “Pardon, do you object to us scissoring together?”

“You mean cutting, not scissoring! Cutting!” Susie tried her best to keep her voice down, well aware that most of the Women’s Guild members had stopped their card making and were listening in on their conversation. “Scissoring is something quite different.”

“Oh yes?” asked Caroline

“Yes. Scissoring is...you know...when two ladies adjust their legs in the shape of intertwining scissors to rub their private parts together.”

“Good heavens, do they?” asked Caroline. “What on earth for?”

“Well...for...for sexual pleasure,” answered Susie. “I think..!”

Caroline took off her spectacles and put them on top of her head. She turned to look at her friend. “It is sexually pleasurable, is it?”

Susie nodded. Her cheeks were bright shade of pink. “Apparently.”

“For two ladies?”

Another nod. “That’s what they say.”

“Well... who would have thought?” With that, Caroline put her spectacles back on, picked up Susie’s scissors and began to cut out a flower shape for her card.


	2. BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH

Half an hour later most ladies had finished their card for the elderly and the poor. Delilah had carefully cut the instruction leaflet into smithereens and wiped the tiny pieces into a neat pile. She then dripped some glue over it and sprinkled a liberal amount of glitter onto her artwork.  
“Goodbye!” she announced. “Must be off. Seeing a man about a tomato.” She shuffled out of the hall.

Eileen waited for Delilah to be through the double doors and then quickly rushed over to the snippets of glittered instruction leaflet. “It’s not dry yet!” She quickly scooped the little pile into the dustbin. “There. No stains. She did try her best, our Delilah.” She used a tissue to wipe some glue and glitters off her hands, looked on her watch and then addressed the women. “Ladies! You have all worked very hard. I’m sure that the Big Wheel will appreciate what we have accomplished today. Thank you very much for your effort. I would like to address the group again if I may, but can I first count on your help in cleaning this up?”  
There was the sound of chairs moving on the community hall floor, papers being stacked, scissors being put back into the scissor basket and the women chatting. A sudden shriek interrupted them when Susie found Delilah’s teeth underneath a stack of papers, but it was immediately followed by laughter and the incident was handled efficiently by Sal, who shook some wobbly eyes out of a plastic bag and used it to store the teeth safely until they were reunited with their owner.  
Then suddenly Beethoven’s Fifth rang out! Queenie produced a smartphone out of her handbag and after some fiddling with it, she managed to pick up. “Gaye?! … You what, dear?...Already? But it isn’t till next week!...Oh, I see. Yes, I’ll be right over.”  
She fiddled some more with the smartphone to hang up, didn’t manage and just chucked the thing back into her handbag. “Eileen, I’m sorry but I have to go. She’s gay, you see. I mean, it’s Gaye. Well, she is. And also ,it is.” She waved her hand in frustration, willing herself to get on with it. “But she’s home already. I wasn’t expecting her till next week! She doesn’t have a key. I have to go. I hope you’ll manage without me?”

“I’m sure we will! Off you go!” Eileen waited for Queenie to gather her things and leave. “Bye Queenie, dear! See you next week!” As soon as the door closed behind Queenie she clapped her hands. “Ladies! Your attention please! Your special...” she tapped her nose with her index finger, “..attention! Gather around in a circle! No, Rosie. A circle of chairs please.”  
All the women quickly grabbed a chair and sat down. Eileen stood in front of the circle of women, her shoulders back and her regalia proudly forward, a glint of conspiracy in her eye.  
"Ladies,” she said. “We all know that Queenie will, in two weeks time reach the big Seven-Oh."  
"Oh!" shouted Rosie, jumping up out of her chair. Then she sat back down, confused. "Seven of what?"  
"Decades," replied Eileen without missing a beat. "Now ladies, she has told her daughter that she doesn't want a fuss. Which means, of course, that she wants a big fuss. And ladies? We shall give her one!"  
"A fuss?" asked Pauline.  
"A party." Eileen held up her hands to quiet the excited whispers. "But her real birthday is on the Saturday and of course she'll be expecting something *then*." She paused a moment and leaned towards her audience. "So we'll surprise her on the Friday! Her last evening of being sixty-nine!"  
Applause erupted. The women excitedly talked about who was going to bake what and when, and whose outfit definitely needed a new pair of shoes for the party and when they would find time to go into town to get them.  
“Ladies, if I can have your attention for a few more moments, please?” Eileen calmed them down. “We have to decide upon a present.”  
“A dog!” said Rosie. “You can get her a dog, seeing as I will already give her a cheese!”  
“And she doesn’t have a dog yet,” added Pauline.  
“It’s good for protection,” said Caroline.  
“And for exercise,” added Tip.  
“That’s decided then, a dog,” said Eileen. “Who has one going?”

They discussed who in the surroundings had had nests or had a dog up for adoption and what type of dog would be most suitable for Queenie. It was decided that Tip would make a round of inquiries and pick up the dog. All other ladies were to get together next Thursday and bake.

At the end of the meeting Eileen had a bag full of postcards for the elderly and the poor and a well thought out plan to surprise their friend Queenie for her 70th birthday. All in a day’s work for the chairwoman of the Women’s Guild.


	3. ALTERNATIVE PANTO

Rosie Bales was...well, what she was not doing, right? What she was NOT doing was lying in the hayloft of the stables on the Martin’s estate eating some of Caroline’s cookies while she was supposed to be hoovering the kitchen.

Well...alright, so she was. But Margaret wouldn’t know, and Caroline would be pleased. Because while she was lying there, she was making a very good plan in her head of how she could - in future - hoover the kitchen. It was a very stressful process, doing the hoovering for Caroline, because she was expected to do it ‘just so’. Rosie had already asked Caroline to show her how to do it a number of times, but it was very difficult to remember. There were many movements involved, and Margaret was convinced that Rosie would mess it up.

So it was best to lie in the soft hay for a bit, eating a few biscuits and thinking about the best way to do the hoovering without Margaret breathing down her neck. Margaret didn’t like hay; she wouldn’t come up here with her in a hurry. She said that hay was for stupid cows, like Rosie.  
Rosie had just begun to form a plan on how to hoover the far end of the kitchen, and had just bitten into her second biscuit, when she heard Caroline’s voice in the stables below her. Oh no! Caroline had only just gone out of the house. Normally she’d be at least an hour!

“There we are old boy. That was a nice little stroll, wasn’t it,” Caroline’s voice sounded. Rosie crawled over to the edge of the loft and peered down to see Caroline petting a big black horse on the neck.  
“But you don’t want just a little stroll, do you? You don’t want to wait for John to come back from his business trip in France, do you? I think I’m going to have to take you out for a ride, but I’m going to need to fetch the steps from the kitchen in order to get onto you. You’re too tall. Just a moment.”

Just as Caroline was about to walk out of the stables, Rosie heard a car pulling up on the driveway outside.  
Caroline walked to the stable doors and shouted out: “Who is it?!”  
Rosie identified Susie’s voice shouting back: “It’s only me! Just collecting your old glass; I was on my way anyway!”

“Oh! Susie, can you be a dear, and come here for a minute and help me with this horse?” Caroline walked back into the stables.

"Of course.” A few moments later Rosie saw Susie walk into the stables too, looking around her in a nervous way. She didn’t seem to be the biggest fan of large horses, nor of their odours.

“Can you help me with this one?” asked Caroline, patting the black horse on its neck. “It’s John’s and I want to ride it, you know. It’s bustling for a ride, but it’s hard for me to get up on him. He can’t stand a saddle on his back, due to a skin condition. And he’s just too tall! He’s at least 16 hands!”

“What would you like me to do?” asked Susie.

“I would like you to give me a leg-over, please,” said Caroline, impatiently waiting next to the horse.

“A leg-up?” asked Susie.

“Yes, yes,” said Caroline. “Just give me a a leg-over.”

Susie sighed and shook her head.

“What..?! What?” asked Caroline, but Susie didn’t reply. “Come here, stand here with your back against the horse and put your hands like this.”

Rosie was looking at the goings-on below her with great interest. She bit into her third biscuit. It appeared that Caroline was getting more and more impatient, and Susie was getting confused.

“Here?” said Susie, nervously eyeing the big horse behind her. “Like this?”

“No, no..to the side more. I have to get onto his back, not on top of his head! There we go.” She pulled Susie by the shoulders to the middle of the horse. “There, and now hold out your hands and cup them so I can put my foot in it. No, no! Lace your fingers together, like so.” Caroline laced her fingers through Susie’s, wich caused Susie to breathe in sharply.  
Caroline looked up at Susie and they stood looking into each others’ eyes for a few moments, their hands linked. The air suddenly seemed charged. To Rosie it felt like a pantomime moment between princess and princess, and any moment now they would burst out into a song. She looked intently at the pair below her.  
Susie’s free hand moved up and brushed a wayward strand of hair from Caroline’s cheek back under her riding helmet. Her hand moved down and brushed Caroline’s cheek once more, and then her jawline. Caroline hesitantly took a tiny step forward, and Susie backed into the horse. That seemed to break the moment and suddenly Susie hurriedly skipped away from in between the horse and Caroline. “S-sorry, gotta dash. The kids are still in the car.”  
“Oh,” said Caroline who remained standing perfectly still, facing the horse.  
“See you!” Susie ran out of the stables.  
“Rightio,” said Caroline to no-one in particular. She let out a big sigh. “Rightio...” In the driveway Susie’s car could be heard speeding off.

A big bellylaugh bubbled up in Rosie. “HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” she shouted from the hayloft. “HAHAHAHA!!!”  
Caroline’s head snapped up. “Rosie!! Rosie, what the devil are you doing up there?!”  
“HAHAHAHAHA you was looking for a leg-up and you nearly got a kiss and now you’s got nothing! Nothing at all, standing next to your horse unkissed! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”  
Her laughter was interrupted by Caroline’s angry voice. “Get down here this instant, Rosie! Weren’t you supposed to be doing the hoovering?!”  
“Yes ma’am. Oooh I’m in trouble now, I’m done for now, ooh look at her face, she’s not happy, this isn’t good, oh god, I’m in trouble, Your Ladybug is angry, oh no, she’s looking at me, now we’ll have it, oh noooo” mumbled Rosie while climbing down the hayloft ladder.  
When she got down, she walked up to Caroline who looked very menacing with her helmet on and her whip in her hand. Rosie curtsied. “Mylady, I didn’t mean to make you upset. What I wasn’t doing, right? What I wasn’t doing is lying in the hayloft to make a plan for the hoovering. But what I really, really wasn’t doing...I wasn’t eavesdropping. ‘Cause I was there before you was in here and before Susie was in here I was definitely here for a much, much longer time, and so that doesn’t count?”  
Caroline was puzzled. “Right...”  
“Right. So that doesn’t count...At all.” Rosie rocked back and forth on her heels, her arms flailing.  
“Right, no. Right.” Caroline fiddled with the whip. “So you saw the whole thing?”  
“Yep....” said Rosie. “Yeah, the whole thing. Start to finish.”  
“You won’t tell anyone?” asked Caroline, looking down at her boots.  
“But nothing happened? You both forgot to kiss each other completely. You were just standing there like a couple of fish. I thought: ‘oooh they will kiss and sing. But no, nothing.” Rosie shrugged.  
“Yes, right. Nothing would have happened, anyway. I’m married, you see?”  
“I do. See how I said 'I do' when you said 'married'?” Rosie asked, sticking out the tip of her tongue..  
“Yes. Jolly clever... I would still prefer if you didn’t tell anybody.”  
“I won’t. I promise, Your Mothership. I won’t tell anyone that nothing happened. But will you not tell anyone about me not doing the hoovering?” asked Rosie. “Especially not Margaret. She’s already very cross because of this morning.”  
“I won’t tell anyone. Shake on it and forget the whole thing?”  
The women solemnly shook hands.  
“I’ll give you the leg-up, then,” said Rosie. “But no funny business. I’ve got my Ricky.”  
Caroline frowned, but accepted the offer and Rosie helped her onto the horse with a confident leg up.

Rosie watched as Caroline exited the stables on the big black horse. Real life ladies were very different from pantomime princesses, she concluded. For one thing, a panto horse would have been two people in a suit.  
 _“You stupid woman!”_ whispered Margaret to Rosie. _“Of course life isn’t a panto! And what have I told you about keeping secrets?! You are not allowed to keep any secrets silly woman! It’s our pact, don’t you remember?! And don’t think I have forgotten about this morning, either! Stupid cow!”_  
"Shut up Margaret! Shut up...!" Rosie quickly climbed back up the ladder to her safe space in the hay.


	4. MY GOOD "FRIEND" ALAN TITCHMARSH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The church scenes in Jam & Jerusalem are my favourite! I hope my written version of it does it a little bit of justice.  
> If you don't get the reference to the biblical book - don't worry. All shall be reveiled later.

The Vicar stood with his hymnbook in hand and counted roughly when to begin singing. Delilah’s godawful off-key and off-rhythm organ playing gave him no sense of tune and so he haphazardly started singing when the time and tone seemed right. The congregation followed suit, each of them randomly picking their own melody line. It was a good thing that they were at least singing the same words. More or less.  
The Vicar’s eyes moved over his congregation. There was Queenie, singing with vigor. Queenie seemed to think that church was an opportunity to wear a new hat every week, but at least she paid full attention when she was here. Next to her sat her daughter Gaye, looking exceedingly bored. She hardly ever came to church as a teenager either. The Vicar suspected Queenie had bribed her into attending today. On the bench behind her was Rosie, who was not even attempting to follow either melody or words, and interpreted hymn singing as a form of self-expression. She had a bright smile. She loved being in church, because Margaret hardly ever followed her in here. In the bench on the other side of the isle was Caroline. The Vicar always had the unsettling feeling that his little church was somewhat of a disappointment to her. That every time she walked through the gates, she was expecting something a little more cathedralish. She was normally very attentive though, and she was one of the only ones who actually spoke the congregation’s lines when the service called for it. But today she seemed distracted and intent to stare out of the window. Her friend Susie was in the bench behind her and was Queenie’s type of churchgoer. Susie also seemed to think that going to church was an opportunity for a fashion display. Even now she wasn’t looking at her hymnbook or at the cross, but at what Caroline was wearing. The Vicar shook his head and continued his singing. It felt like swimming upstream in a river of cacophony, but he bravely kept going. And on the front row was Eileen, the only other person of the congregation that bothered to find a melody line and stick to it. She was singing loudly and with confidence, throwing her heart and soul into it. And next to her was Kate...his lovely Kate. She caught him looking at her and winked at him. With even more confidence the Vicar soldiered on: “FOR NO-O-ONE CAN GUESS...GUESS... IT’S GRACE!!!” He waited a few moments to let the organ and congregation catch up with him, and continued: “TILL HE BECO-O-OME THE KATE!!!...*cough*.. PLACE!!!” He quickly looked at the faces before him. No-one seemed to have caught his mistake there, busy as they were struggling through their own version of the hymn, except Kate herself, who was blushing and giggling. Oh how he wished this service was over! He couldn’t wait to go for a walk on the moors with her. Or... He quickly stopped his train of thought there and finshed the hymn. “WHERE-IN THE HOLY SPIRIT MAKES HIS DWE-E-ELLING!!!” Adding another “LLIIIING” at the end to make sure everyone understood that the hymn was done. “Please be seated,” he stated, and started his sermon. “As my good friend Alan Titchmarch once said: Spring is like...”  
“Goodbye!” announced Delilah and noisily climbed down from the organ.  
The Vicar sighed. "Spring is like..." Now that bloody baby started crying again too. “Please take her out of the church, thank you! I won’t continue until she’s outside!...Now as my good friend Alan..." Caroline’s hymn book fell on the floor with a loud bang. "TITCHMARCH!!!" shouted the Vicar by accident.  
"AMEN!" shouted Rosie back at him. Then she leaned so far out of her bench that the Vicar was sure she was about to topple into the isle. "Hey..!" she whispered loudly. "Hey, Susie! I think you should also be a princess in the panto this year! Right, Queenie?"  
"When you are quite finished?" asked the Vicar. Rosie nodded happily. The Vicar took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. “Think about the moors, think about Kate, think about the many splendours of God...” he told himself. This was going to be a long service.

But at long last it was done and he was shaking hands with all of his congregation. “Bye Susie, thank you Eileen. Thank you, you are so kind. God bless, Caroline.”  
But Caroline didn’t shake his hand. “Vicar, I wonder if I could have a word with you? In private.”  
“Of course, just wait here a minute as I bid everyone adieu!” he said with a flourish. “Bye Queenie, thank you for the flowers, they were lovely as always. Bye Pauline. Bye Kate,” he said with a smile.  
“Bye Hillary,” Kate smiled back and held his hands in her own for a few moments. “I’m going to the pub with the girls. See you there in a minute?”  
He nodded. “And I thought after the pub we could go...”  
“For a walk on the moors!” she finished his sentence.  
“Yes, yes exactly!” He laughed. “See you soon!” He watched her practically skip down the path to the gate. What a lovely sight she was.... He heard a cough next to him.  
“Vicar...may I have a word with you, please?”  
“Ah yes, Caroline. Yes, do come in. I still have something of yours that you might want back. Follow me!” As he walked through the isle, his robe was flowing behind him. Walking towards the cross he felt exactly how he had always imagined a Vicar to feel. Happy, content, powerful even. He was a respected member of this community and his counsel was important to his people. And in the pub was his lovely Kate, waiting for him to join her for a walk on the moors. Life, both professionally and personally, was good.

In the little chamber at the back of the church, in front of a shrine of the Virgin Mary and the Infant Jesus, the Vicar had kept a letter. It was a letter that had caused him a lot of grief, but that had ultimately brought him and Kate together. Every single day he had prayed in front of this little shrine, and every single day he had prayed for the well-being of the letter-writer, Christopher Martin, son of Caroline and John, who was in the army and had been sent to Afghanistan. The letter was addressed simply: “To ma & pa” and was intended as an encouragement for his parents in the event of his untimely death. But Christopher had returned home safely - alive and uninjured.

“Here you go, your son’s letter.” He handed it over to Caroline. “No use for it now, thank the Heavens, but I thought perhaps you still want to read what it says - now that everything is alright.”  
“Ah..” Caroline gingerly took hold of the letter. “Yes, well, very attentive of you. Thank you for your prayers and for safekeeping this letter. It is much appreciated, Vicar. But that’s not what I wanted to talk you about.”  
The Vicar put on his best “I’m listening, my child” face on and looked encouragingly at Caroline.  
She looked away from him and seemed to need a moment to collect her thoughts. He waited patiently.  
“Good. So I was rereading the Book of Ruth the other day, and I was wondering what the official stance of the Church of England is on this book of late? If you get my drift...” She fiddled with the letter in her hands.  
“The Book of Ruth?” asked the Vicar. “Why that is one of my most dear texts in the Holy Book! I had a portion of that book read out during my ordination!” He enthusiastically spread his arms and proclaimed in a bombastic voice: “Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee!” He paused for a dramatic silence and continued: “For whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge! Thy people shall be MY people!” He hit himself on the chest. “And thy God MY God! Where thou diest, will I die! And there will I be buried! The Lord do so to me, yea!” He added for dramatic reasons. “Yea, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me!”  
“Yes..,” said Carline, looking down at her shoes. “Yes, quite.”  
“The Book of Ruth, chapter one, verse 16 and 17,” the Vicar stated. “Now, if you ask me how does the modern church interpret this book, I think that I can safely say that this book has become more important in recent history than ever before.”  
Caroline looked up. “Oh?”  
“Yes, never before has it been so important for people to follow what they know in their hearts to be right and good. To make choices based on their own inner compass and not based on the folly or custom of the day. I wish all young people were as steadfast and faithful as Ruth and dared to make good choices and stand by them.”  
“Right, absolutely. That does have its merit,” agreed Caroline. But there was still something on her mind. “How about Naomi?” she asked. “What is the church’s idea of Naomi in relation to Ruth?”  
“Well...” The Vicar paused and thought about it for a moment. “The Naomi’s of this world need to understand that they have the dearest thing that anyone could ever wish for in life. A very good and faithful friend. There is nothing more important than that in life.”  
“A friend...” said Caroline.  
“That’s right. A good and faithful friend,” concluded the Vicar.  
“Right. Yes, well, thank you.” Caroline shook hands with the Vicar.  
“I hope I was of help?” he asked.  
“Absolutely. Absolutely, of great help. Thank you, Vicar. And thank you for the letter.” Caroline put the letter in her coat pocket and walked out of the church.  
 _“Now then,”_ thought the Vicar. _“Off with this robe, and onto the Moors!”_


	5. ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS IN KARAOKE

Sal was sitting at the bar in The Fountain, looking at Tip cleaning beer glasses and at Delilah who seemed intent on slobbering most of the contents of her glass onto the bar instead of into her mouth. A group of youthful men was cheering her on, already ordering her a new drink.  
On Sunday mornings after church most of the town could be found in here having a drink; churchgoer or no. Eileen and Kate had just arrived, whispering to each other about Queenie’s surprise party, and soon the whole pub would be flooded with customers.  
Suddenly a loud voice was heard. “You stupid woman! Who do you think you are Rosie Bales? Did you think you could hide from me in church?” A softer voice interrupted. “Oh shut up Margaret. It isn’t a secret like that. You don’t know...oh don’t, Margaret!” The doors to the pub swung open and in stepped Margaret. She had a very angry look on her face. “YOU!” she shouted at Sal. “You’re a nosy old busybody!”  
Sal remained very calm. “Hello Margaret, nice to see you again. Do you know where Rosie is? I’d like to speak to her.”  
“Yes!” Margaret walked up to Sal. “Yes I know where she is and she has to speak to you also. I told her to tell you! You’re a pain in the arse, but we trust you! Rosie has been keeping a secret!” Margaret spat on the floor. “I hate secrets. I know about Peter! I know all about him! And Rosie and I have made a deal! NO MORE SECRETS!”  
Margarets face softened and Rosie’s small voice returned. “I’m sorry Margaret, I’m sorry. It’s not like that. Oh, hello Sal!”  
“Hello, Rosie,” said Sal. “Come with me, I want to talk to you for a moment.” She gently guided Rosie towards a table in the back of the pub.  
“Have you been taking your medicins?” asked Sal as they sat down.  
“Yeah,” said Rosie. “A red one, that isn’t poisonous, right Sal? And a small white one, every day.”  
“Good..good,” said Sal. “Margaret was just here. She wasn’t happy.”  
“No....” Rosie wrung her hands. “No...she’s been very cross with me.”  
“She said you are keeping a secret? Are you, Rosie?”  
Rosie looked at Sal and nodded. Her eyes were wide with fear.  
“Would you like to share the secret with me, Rosie?” Sal tried.  
“Oh no. I’ve promised not to tell anyone. Not even Margaret.”  
“Who asked you not to tell anyone? Rosie, look at me. Was it a bad man?”  
“Oh no!” said Rosie. “No, not a bad man, no.”  
“Are you sure?”  
Rosie nodded vehemently.  
“Then who was it Rosie? Who asked you to keep a secret?”  
Rosie looked around her and then softly confided: “Caroline.”  
“Caroline?!” Sal was very surprised. “Just you wait here, one moment. I’ll be right back, Rosie.”  
She quickly walked to the front of the pub where she had seen Caroline arrive just a few moments earlier. Caroline was still standing at the bar, waiting for her drink. Sal briskly walked up to her and pulled her way from the bar by her sleeve.  
“Did you ask Rosie to keep a secret for you?” she hissed.  
Caroline’s eyes widened. “Did she tell you?” she asked.  
Sal shook her head. “No, no, I don’t care about the details! But don’t you see what you’ve done?! Margaret has been so angry with Rosie!”  
“Oh god.” Caroline put her hand in front of her mouth. “Peter..!”  
“Yes, Peter!” Sal said angrily. “You’re coming with me, and we’re sorting this out. Now!” She pulled Caroline through the pub. “Sit!” she said when they arrived at Rosie’s table. “Now, Rosie, Caroline has something very important to tell you.” She nudged Caroline.  
“Yes...well...you see...” Caroline looked helpless.  
“She’s here to tell you that you don’t have to keep the secret anymore. Isn’t that right Caroline?”  
Caroline nodded.  
“So..?” began Rosie. “So I can tell people what didn’t happen?”  
Caroline nodded again. She looked away from them both.  
“Margaret has told me that I have to tell Sal. Is that alright?”  
Caroline shrugged.  
“Yes that’s alright, isn’t it Caroline? Rosie is very much allowed to tell me any secret she wants. Right?”  
“Yes..,” said Caroline reluctantly. “Yes, that’s right. You can tell Sal, Rosie.” She sighed and stared away from them.  
Rosie looked very relieved. “Well Sal,...the secret is...nothing happened.”  
Sal looked at Caroline who was looking down. “Nothing happened..is that the secret Rosie?”  
“Yeah.” Rosie sat up excitedly and laughed from the sheer relief of not having to keep her secret anymore. “HAHAHAHA Nothing happened HAHAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, cause what didn’t happen, right? What didn’t happen was that Caroline kissed Susie.”  
Sal kept her eyes on Caroline, who was clearly feeling very uncomfortable.  
“Did Caroline kiss Susie, Rosie?” asked Sal.  
“No,” said Rosie. “No, she didn’t. Nothing happened. And then Caroline was still not on the horse, so I helped her on and there was no funny business. That’s all. That’s the whole secret.”  
Caroline let out a sigh.  
Rosie looked worried. “Are you cross with me, ma’am? For telling the secret?”  
Caroline looked up. “No, Rosie. Not at all. I should never have asked you to keep a secret. It was very foolish of me; I was only thinking of myself. I am truly sorry.”  
“Oh! Forgiven, forgiven!” shouted Rosie. “Now we’re all friends again, right Sal? Me and you and Caroline and Margaret! Oh I’m so happy! No more secrets! I think I will sing a song for you all. Is the Karaoke machine on?”  
“Why don’t you go and ask Tip?” said Sal. She watched Rosie walk to the bar and then turned to Caroline who was looking very miserable. “Oh, Caroline...”  
Caroline looked away. “I don’t know what you must think of me, Sal. I don’t think very highly of myself. Firstly the whole business with Rosie... I didn’t think about Peter for one moment. I was so concerned with my own lot, that I really made her miserable, didn’t I?”  
“Oh, she’s fine, our Rosie,” said Sal. “She bounces right back. And it is very good to know that Margaret is keeping an eye out for her now.”  
“Yes, one supposes.”  
Sal waited for Caroline to speak again, but Caroline just sat there, staring at the table in silence. Sal continued: “Nothing like Peter will happen to her again. Not with Margaret on her side...But what was that about Susie? You kissing Susie, I mean?”  
“Rosie’s told the truth. Nothing did happen.”  
“But something must have been going on for you to ask Rosie to not tell anyone?”  
“Yes, well..it was all a misunderstanding. Nothing happened other than me making an ruddy fool out of myself, my marriage and my most valued friendship.” Caroline’s voice trembled.  
“Oh Caroline...oh sweetheart, what a mess.” Sal moved over to sit next to Caroline and enveloped her into a hug. Just the fact that Caroline let herself be hugged was a sign that things were amiss. She stood up. “Come on, I’m driving you home. You are in no state to drive. No, I insist.”


	6. GOSSIP 2.0

Tip had just finished her shift at The Fountain and practically ran to Sal's cottage. She tapped on the window and jumped from one foot onto the other.  
"Hurry up woman!" she muttered to herself and immediately pushed herself into the cottage when Sal peered around the door.  
"Where were you?" she demanded. "I didn't see you leave?"  
"Hello Tip, do come in, make yourself at home.." Sal mocked.  
"Don't change the subject! You missed all the good stuff! Oh you're never going to believe it!" Tip walked to settee. She gestured for Sal to sit down. "This is a big one!" She grinned and waited for Sal to be seated. "Ready?"  
"Yes, yes, ready!" laughed Sal. "Come on, spill!"  
"Alright...get this..." Tip held up finger like a music director about to unleash her orchestra to play the grand finale. "Get this:...Susie and Caroline!"  
Sal jumped off the couch. "How do YOU know!" she exclaimed.  
Tip also jumped up. "Sal Vine! You already knew and you didn't tell me!"  
"I only knew since this morning!" Sal realised she was still shouting and softened her voice. "But never mind that now. Who told you?"  
"Well not my former best friend, apparently..." Tip let herself fall back onto the settee. "No-one told me. I figured it out myself."  
"How?" Sal was astonished. "No, wait a minute. I'm getting us some tea and choccies and then you'd better tell all."  
"And you!" Tip shouted after her.

"So I'm standing behind the bar, minding my own business..."  
"As per usual!" interrupted Sal with a laugh.  
"Watch it, I've got hot tea in my hands, miss. So anyway, I'm there, doing what I do. Eileen, Kate and the Vicar are sitting at the bar. Eileen and Kate yapping away about some type of tapestry, the Vicar getting exceedingly bored. And who walks up?”  
“Rosie?” asked Sal.  
“No...no she was busy singing every Take That song on the karaoke machine. No, it was Susie!”  
“Of course...go on!”  
“Well, so she orders her drink and then asks the Vicar what his take is on the Book of Ruth. Says a friend is having problems with it and asked her to ask him. So the Vicar is completely oblivious that there is no ‘friend’, and that - obviously - Susie is asking for herself. So he is all naive and goes: ‘Oh! That friend must be Caroline!’ You should have seen Susie’s face! Suddenly her imaginary friend became real! Apparently Caroline came to the Vicar this morning with the exact same question! So Susie goes all red and starts stammering. The Vicar blabs on about the virtues of Ruth and proclaims some verses, all the while Susie is getting redder! So I wink at her and she just walks off! Leaves her drink there, doesn’t say bye to the Vicar, nothing! Just stomps out of the pub!”  
“I don’t get it...” Sal looked puzzled. “What’s the Book of Ruth?”  
“A biblical book, you heathen. The lesbian one! Oh, did we ever have a field day with that one in school! The nun that was teaching us at the time was such a young thing, fresh out of the Novitiate. Oh no..!” Tip let herself fall back into the cushions of the couch. She looks up at her friend. “You still don’t get it do you? Susie didn’t come to ask about the lesbian book for a ‘friend’, it was for her! And then she finds out her real ‘friend’ was asking about the same thing! Meanwhile the Vicar is there, innocent as a lamb, quoting half the good book. And I piss madam off by winking at her. She knew that I knew if you get what I mean?”  
“I do...” Sal was beginning to understand the situation. “But I never knew there was a lesbian book in the bible.”  
“The Vicar didn’t either, by the looks of it! Never taught at an all-girl Catholic school, I’m sure!” The women laughed. “So anyway,” continued Tip. “I put two and two together and arrived at a very odd number! Susie and Caroline..who would have thought! Susie I can believe...Do you remember that one midsummer’s festival when she got a bit too much to drink and was all over Queenie’s daughter?”  
“Oooh yes...I forgot about that.”  
“But Caroline? I just can’t get my head ‘round it!”  
“Hmm..” said Sal, biting into a chocolate.  
“What do you mean ‘hmmm’ ? Come on, your story please!”

“I don’t know if I can tell...” said Sal.  
“Oh I do know! Am I your friend, or not? I told you mine, now you tell me yours! That’s how it works!”  
“Well...you have to promise not to tell anyone, because it’s really not fair on Caroline. She’s having a very hard time of it...”  
“Spill, woman!”  
“Oh alright, alright. Well...do you remember Margaret coming into the pub this morning?”  
Tip nodded. “Hm. Poor Rosie.”  
“Yes, well...turned out that Caroline asked Rosie to keep a secret for her. And you know, ...what with the situation with Peter...”  
“Yeah, I bet Margaret was livid as all hell!”  
“Yes. Well, Caroline didn’t think it through. It wasn’t malice. Anyway, so apparently Rosie had caught Caroline and Susie...”  
“NO! NEVER!” exclaimed Tip, sitting up straight.  
“No, calm it, calm it. You’ll give yourself a heart attack. Nothing happened, calm down.” She waved for Tip to settle back. “Nothing happened, but apparently it almost did.”  
“Oh, dear mother of god! This is the biggest thing since...since that thing with Delilah and the potato farmer in 1988. Do you remember? Oooh!” Tip excitedly drummed on the table.  
“Don’t get too excited,” warned Sal. “This is a heartbreaking situation, you know. There are two marriages on the line...”  
“Well..., can we call them marriages?” Tip’s shook her head. “Susie’s married to a beard and Caroline’s man is on a ‘business’ trip to France with his so-manieth internet date. Let’s not pretend we don’t know about that.”  
Sal looked disgusted. “Well, I don’t! An interweb affair? Does Caroline know?”  
“Of course she knows. Everyone knows! Why do you think his own daughters have blocked him on Facebook?”  
“What? Oh I’m too old for this two-point-oh gossip!” Sal let herself fall back into the cushions. “And don’t you be getting any ideas, Tip! I can see it on your face. I think you should leave Susie and Caroline to deal with the situation as they see fit. You’re not Cupid, you know!”  
Tip raised a fist into the air. “What I lack in wingspan and archery skills, I make up for in determination!”  
Sal gave up and held out the tin of chocolates. “Ohh...have a bonbon!”


	7. Cheesecakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Guild bakes some cakes!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay!  
> I hope this chapter is as nice to read as it was to write. I laughed so much! I love these ladies. 
> 
> I have always imagined Queenie to have some Faerie folk in her bloodline. She's the kind of old lady that just knows things and sees right through people. Anyway..enjoy!

On the day before Queenie’s party the ladies of the Women’s Guild gathered in the community hall kitchen to bake for Queenie’s surprise party. Caroline arrived uncharacteristically late. Her excuse was that a friend of her son’s - the one in the rock band - had overslept. The friend was a member in some tribute band, Sought By The Police (“Wanted?” asked Susie, but Caroline thought it best to ignore her.) He had overslept and his tour bus had left without him on it. It was a bit of a kerfuffle, but in the end Caroline had made everyone a full English and they had had a jolly good time until the tour bus returned for him.

But in truth the friend had left before sunrise. And in truth Caroline had stood in her hallway for fifteen minutes, with her coat on, debating whether or not she ought to be staying home. She didn’t think she could ever face Susie, Sal or Rosie again. In the end her loyalty to the Guild and her sense of duty won out, and here she was, avoiding everyone’s gaze and trying to get herself into an apron with some kind of grace. But of course she failed miserably and Susie had to step in and tie up the strings at the back. Caroline felt the blood rise to her cheeks as she tried to lean away from Susie’s touch as much as the tying of apron strings would allow, almost loosing her balance. “Ta,” she mumbled as she quickly made her way to the other end of the kitchen.  
Eileen picked up a list from the table in the middle of the kitchen”, shook some flour off it and rattled off: “Pauline’s buying the decorations, Kate is on patrol to keep Queenie away from the community hall, Sal is doing the pies, Delilah is doing the chocolate almonds, I myself am doing the bread rolls, Rosie is doing the cupcakes, so I thought you could help Susie with the Black Forest cake, Caroline. Everyone still on schedule? Oooh, my oven is preheated but I’m not done rolling my rolls yet!”  
“Perhaps I can assist with rolling your rolls instead, Eileen?” said Caroline, who already had trouble trying to forget the feeling of Susie’s hands on her back, and really didn’t need to add memories of kneading dough with her, or - heaven forbid - whipping cream together. Caroline realized she needed an excuse. “I’m not much of a gateau kind of person. I simply miss the finesse, you know? And it looks like you can do with the help.”  
“Very well, let me adjust the roster! Are you alright on your own, Susie? Yes? Well, pull up your sleeves Caroline, and take care of that first batch over there. Will you manage?”  
For several minutes there was just the sound of dough being knead, an occasional crunch of Delilahs false teeth meeting a stray almond, and Rosie’s content humming.  
“There, that’s the first batch done,” said Eileen to Caroline. “Let’s get that in the oven and let’s move on to the second batch. Oh, I have to tell you about the outfit I found on sale in town! It’s simply perfect for tomorrow!” Eileen went into detail about how she went in and out of several shops, before going back to the first shop and buying the perfect dress. “It’s always that first shop!” she chuckled and shook her head. “I never learn. Do you know yet what you’ll be wearing tomorrow, Caroline?”  
“No, not yet” said Caroline. “I’m not familiar with the appropriate dress code for sixtynine-ing.”  
At that moment Susie dropped a large bowl of cherries. Thankfully the bowl remained intact, but the cherries had rolled all over the kitchen floor. Everyone was crawling on the floor, shouting: “Here’s one! You’ve missed one there! How did it get under there?” Within a few seconds most of the cherries were returned to their bowl and Sal washed them under the tap. “There, good as new! No one will be any the wiser!” She handed the bowl back to a shell-shocked Susie.

It wasn’t long before Kate ran in. “Guys, I’m needed at the supermarket for a minor safety ‘situation’. Someone should replace me to keep Queenie out of here.”  
“Is she still out lollipopping?” asked Caroline.  
“Noooo!!” shrieked Susie. All eyes were on her.  
“Y-y-yes though,” stammered Kate.  
“No! No. Lollipopping means...it means...ah never mind!” Susie put down her bowl of cherries with force.  
“I’ll take over the patrol,” said Caroline quickly.  
“You can’t, Caroline dear, my schedule!” Eileen called after her, but Caroline was already out of the door.

Once out of the community hall, she took a big breath of fresh air. It had been a bad idea to come here after all. Thank god for Kate’s ‘minor situation’.  
But her relaxation was short lived, because Queenie was walking towards her!

“Oh hello, Caroline!” said Queenie, smiling brightly. “Are you alright? You look a bit pale?”  
“Oh you know me. Dreadful constitution. I’m fine, I’m fine.”  
“Are you sure, dear? Only you seem to have left home in an apron.”  
Caroline’s eyes widened in shock as she looked down and saw that she was indeed still wearing the apron, and had forgotten to put her coat back on.  
“Oh, I must have forgotten. I’ve been at the Arga all day, you know. Guests of John’s are coming over for a dinner party.”  
“Ah,” Queenie seemed to buy the little white lie. “Are you on your way to the supermarket, dear? Do I need to help you cross?”  
“No it’s alright,” said Caroline. “I think I’m fine over here for now.”  
“On the side of the road, sweetheart?” frowned Queenie. “That’s most peculiar. But now that you’re here, maybe you can do me a favour. I wanted to go and print some emails at the community hall. Can you perhaps hold my lollipop for me?”  
“Can’t,” said Caroline resolutely, getting the hang of telling white lies. “Absolutely can’t. My arthritis.”  
“At your age?”  
“It‘s unfortunate.”  
“Oh well, then I’ll just put my lollipop here for a minute and go print my emails, “ said Queenie.  
“But what about the schoolchildren?” asked Caroline.  
“They’re in school now,” said Queenie, already resting the big yellow lollipop sign against a wall at the side of the road.  
“I wouldn’t be too sure,” said Caroline. “You see, when I was supposed to be in school my classmates and myself would always escape into the downs, you know?”  
“No,” said Queenie.  
“Yes,” said Caroline. “We would always escape and have midnight picnics and the like.”  
“No?” said Queenie.  
“Oh yes,” said Caroline. “We would escape and have nightly feasts! And we didn’t care how we crossed the road. We just did it. Recklessly. In the dark.”  
“No?!” exclaimed Queenie.  
“Yes,”said Caroline.  
“Well…well, I suppose it’s my duty to stay here then,” said Queenie. “Are you sure I can’t help you cross?”  
“Oh, why not.” Caroline linked her arm in Queenie’s and together they walked across the road. Queenie expertly halted a cyclist by waving her lollipop at him with vigour, and they reached the other side in complete safety.  
“Thank you,”said Caroline. “Now that we’ve reached the other side, perhaps I am permitted to ask your advice in a small matter?”  
“Of course!” Queenie leaned on the lollipop. “I’m all ears, dearie.”  
“Well…you know your daughter Gaye. She is…well, you know?”  
“She is!” said Queenie. “She most certainly is! It was a stroke of luck really!”  
“Quite! Yes...well my daughter is at a funny age you see. And I’m just wondering about her. How did your daughter know she was,... you know?”  
“I suppose because she fell in love with other ladies.”  
“Other gay ladies?”  
“Well, you see…” Queenie thought for a moment. “That’s the odd thing. It’s not necessarily that one gay lady falls for another. Most tragically they can also fall for non gay ladies. Which is terribly inconvenient for all involved.”  
“One supposes.”  
There was a moment of silence, in which a dog passed through the road, herding a flock of ducks. Queenie contemplated stopping them on account of not having human accompaniment on an asphalted road, but she couldn’t quite remember if that was a law. She decided to act as if she hadn’t seen them.  
She turned her back to the situation and looked up at Caroline. “Well, but thankfully there is the gaydar. It’s a type of radar system by means of which a gay lady can ascertain whether or not another lady is within her sexual minority.”  
“Oh?”  
“Yes, it’s very good. It’s almost always correct. You have the odd fluke, of course, but overall, it’s a very good design.”  
“Where would one acquire such an apparatus, and how much would it cost?” asked Caroline.  
“Oh, it’s not something you can pay for. It’s inside you.”  
“Does it require surgery?’  
“Oh god no!” Queenie waved her lollipop at Caroline. “Absolutely not.”  
“Ah, it’s a polyclinical affair on the NHS. That’s good,” mumbled Caroline to herself. And then to Queenie: “It seems to take a lot of work to be gay!”  
“It most certainly does, "acknowledged Queenie. "For example, my Gaye had to buy herself a whole new wardrobe!”  
“Oh good Lord!”  
“No don’t worry, dearie. I’m sure your wardrobe is fine the way it is. I’m more concerned about Susie’s.”  
Caroline was stunned into silence, her face reddening. "Yes...quite...I see..," she mumbled.  
“Anyway,”continued Queenie, “it’s time to go home now. My tea is waiting. If you have anymore questions about gayness, I’m sure you can ask Gaye on Saturday!”  
“Saturday? What is on Saturday?”  
“Oh yes, very good, dear! I’m not supposed to know!” Queenie tapped the side of her nose. “I understand. I will see you when I see you! Bye bye now.” 

Caroline made her way back to the community center, contemplating Queenie’s gaydar. Queenie must have had one installed to help match-make for her daughter. And it certainly was very accurate about her. Perhaps it was correct about Susie also. Perhaps she hadn’t made as big a fool of herself as she had previously thought. There was a spring in her step once more.

“All is safe now,” Caroline reported, when she stepped back into the kitchen. “Queenie has gone home. Whom can I assist?”  
“I’ll be with you in a minute,” said Eileen, a trace of panic in her voice. “Oh Rosie! I said cupcakes, CUPcakes!”  
“Did you?” asked Rosie. “Only I swear I heard cheesecakes.”  
“Cheesecakes still aren’t cakes with slices of cheese on top! Oh dear me!”  
Caroline grinned at the scene before her. “Can I still be of help?”  
Sal looked around her. “I think Susie can do with a hand,” she said and then squealed a little when Tip nudged her with her elbow and gave her a wink.  
“I’m right on schedule,” replied Susie. “I think I’m fine.”  
But Tip wouldn’t have it. “Nonsense, woman! Don’t be a martyr! Let your friend help you out.”  
“Oh, alright,” sighed Susie. “I suppose you can help me with the cream.”  
“Excellent,” said Caroline. “I’m very proficient at creaming.”  
To Susie’s credit she held onto the mixer and only dropped a smallish knob of butter on the floor.


	8. The party

Tash took a purple ribbon out of her hair and knotted it around the end of a stick. She softly waved the stick to test her construction. The ribbon slid off and floated to the ground. She picked it up and threw it into the air to watch it float to the ground again. It was more fluid without the stick anyway. She placed it back in the hedgerow, careful not to squish any mushrooms, insects or elves that might be in hiding under there. She took a few more ribbons out of her hair and waved them in her hand. The pattern of the coloured ribbon-waves followed the sound of the voices of the group of ladies behind her. She smiled brightly and looked aside to see Spike, who was sitting on the side of the road, strumming his guitar.  The chattering, the notes from the guitar, the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees behind her, and the ribbons rippling through the air...the universe provided such abundant beauty.  
  
She took one of the ribbons and placed it ceremoniously around her son's neck, but he waved her off. The ribbon floated to the ground again. Tash let the other ribbons join it, picked them back up and was surprised to see a little pup standing at her feet.  
"Awww! Hello little one," she said to it. "What’s your name?" She listened intently - with her heart, not her ears - but couldn't quite make out the name. _“It's like...so young, such a fragile, quiet spirit yet,”_ she thought. _“I'll ask again later, when everything around us is more zen.”_  
  
Tip came into view and swooped the pup up into her arms. "Hey young man," she said to Raph. "Look up from your gametoy for a minute. Here's a live creature for you to pet. A pup, see?" Raph politely looked up, petted the pup on its head and returned to the game. Tash tried hard to not take this personally. She failed to raise a son that was  interested in all the natural beauty surrounding him. But on the next breath she realised that it was her only ego giving her a guilt trip. _"Stop it_ ," she sternly told herself. Her son was allowed to grow up in the way that his own spirit thinks it is best. No need to interfere with something that is already perfect. She took another deep breath and turned around to Tip to pet the pup. "Is this Queenie's present?" she asked her.  
Tip nodded. "Yep. Got him last week. Been chewing up my furniture ever since. I'll miss him, bless his little heart, but I can't wait to hand him over to Queenie!"  
  
"Ladies! Ladies!" shrieked Eileen's shrill voice through the peacefulness. "Quiet everyone. Are we all here? Are we ready to proceed?"  
"Susie isn't here yet," said her mother, ever the shepherd of the flock.  
"Owww..! Oh, I suppose there's always one!" Eileen's aura looked very prickly from where Tash was standing. Yellowy-green with uneven spikes. Stress and worry. Tash took a moment to pray a quick Namaste to Eileen's soul. Peace be with everyone. Even with people she couldn't particularly stand very well. Although Tip's words were probably more effective than her prayer: "Calm yourself, woman," Tip said to Eileen. "You'll give yourself a heart attack. And there's no need, because there she is!"  
  
An earth-unfriendly humongous car drove around the corner and out stepped Susie, her cheeks flushed from haste. She looked stunning in a deep green gown, high heels, and a natural blush. Everyone in the group did a quiet 'ooh!'  
"Oooh don't she look lovely! Like a princess!" said Rosy. "Don’t she look like stunning, Maiden Caroline, sir?"  
Tash' attention was drawn to Caroline, standing slightly apart from the group. She gave a quiet nod to Rosy, and looked to the ground. Yet her aura turned the most spiritual of purpely-blues, and reached outwards - almost as if to stretch out to Susie.  
"Oh," mumbled Tash. She looked back over to Susie, who was clearly both pleased and intimidated by the reaction of the group to her outfit. "Is it too much?" she asked. But as she was asking the ladies, her aura - a sparkly, lively deep green, - reached out to touch Caroline's.  
"Oh!" said Tash, and quickly spun around. She had to process this for a moment. Gosh, she hadn't thought that this kind of true love was possible too. But of course - age didn't matter when it came to love. Better late in life than never. Wow... Her breath was taken away and it almost felt like she was going to cry. She felt blessed to have witnessed such a moment. With a deeply happy sigh she turned to Spike. His rough hairs were tumbling out of his wooly hat and he looked so perfectly at ease and so very Spikely. Her own true love. She ran to him and kissed him deeply, ignoring Raph's 'eww mu-um'. Three, four kisses and a ruffle through his hair. "Ready?" she asked as she bounced away from him. "Ready Raph? Let's surprise Queenie, eh!"  
  
"Ladies! Your attention! Ladies!" Eileen's voice shrieked. "We all know what to do, don't we? We walk in silence to Queenie's cottage and line up on her garden path. We  sing the Guild's Official Anthem at full voice, until she opens the door. Then we sing Happy Birthday, sotto voce. Sotto ladies. Everyone ready? Everyone silent? Everyone's smartiephones on vibrator mode? Spike dear, will you lead the way?"  
Spike held his guitar up in the air, and Tash quietly skipped behind him, ribbons waving through the air. The pup yelped a few times, and both Rosy and Pauline fell off their high heels with some minimal swearing along the way, but on the whole the group was uncharacteristically quiet. Even Delilah’s tricycle didn’t squeak, as she was reverse -freewheeling while Kate pushed her along. They reached Queenie's garden and on a signal from Eileen, they all filed in, formed a double line along the garden path and waited for Spike to strum the first chords of their anthem.  
As he strummed those first notes, everyone burst into - what was supposed to be - song. “Oh Big Wheel, forever turning...!!!”  It was loud, it was off key, but it was exceptionally passionate. It was also very effective, because within seconds an overwhelmed Queenie opened her front door and stood on her doorstep, hand before her open mouth. Gaye was standing behind her, holding her at the shoulders, so she wouldn't fall over from shock.  
Tash waved her ribbons up and down as she skipped along the garden path between the row of ladies. Skipping back towards Queenie, she reached into her pocket and got out a handful of confetti, sprinkling it on Gaye and Queenie and skipping back down the path. Spike started strumming Happy Birthday and it took him a few repeats of bars until the whole haphazard choir was onto the new song. Loudly they serenaded Queenie, who was still in absolute shock.  
As everyone reached and stretched out the last "Happy Birthday tooooo yoooooouuuuu" and clapped, Queenie wiped her eyes "Dearie me," she said. "I thought you were all coming tomorrow. I haven't baked anything yet!"  
Everyone laughed and applauded. Their plan had worked. A lady that hasn't baked, is a lady that has been well and truly surprised!  
Eileen stepped out of the rows and addressed Queenie. "Dear Queenie, on this eve of your seventieth birthday we would like to celebrate the sixty nine years that you have lived among us. Forty-six of those have been spent as a Guild member. We are happy and proud to have you as our Guild sister, and - dare we say? - friend. In the great tradition of the Guild, we have of course taken care of ... well...pretty much everything. So dear Queenie, relax and enjoy the surprise party that we - your friends - are throwing you. Three hurrahs for Queenie!"  
"Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!"  
A teary-eyed Queenie tried to say something back, but words eluded her. Tip stepped out of the rows with the pup. "This is from all of us, Queenie,” she said. “To see you out of your 6th decade in style. We hope he'll keep you company on lonely days and that he'll keep the burglars at bay for you. And I sure hope you'll keep him, because I got him cheap on the promise not to bring him back!" All applauded as Queenie accepted her present and hugged the little pup close to her heart. Still speechless, she waved for all of them to come in.  
  
Tash happily skip-stepped in amongst the other ladies. She was very curious about the things that were baked for this party. She wasn't expecting anything vegan, so she was particularly looking forward to having to sin against her principles. One couldn't NOT eat at someone's birthday, right? It was impolite. And being polite was worth more karma-points than being principled. Everyone knew that. Duh!  
She nibbled on a cheesey cupcake, had a nice slice of Schwarzwalder, prevented her son from having three slices in a row, and secretly smoothed out a portion of Eileen's aura behind her back. It was then she found herself hanging up one of Pauline’s party decorations together with Susie.  
"You look so...wow. You know? So yourself, but then your best self? Like... Like when a woman looks really good because she's pregnant and happy to be pregnant, but then not pregnant?" Tash waited a moment to see if the full importance of her compliment was understood by Susie.  
Susie blushed a little. Tash continued. "Yeah, like...You look like someone who has found true love in the autumn of life? Which kinda makes you look pregnant. In the radiant way, not the fat way."  
Susie nodded quickly and was struggling to get the decoration up.  
"Have you told her? You haven't told her," concluded Tash in one fell swoop. She knew intuitively when she asked the question, but she knew for a fact now. Susie’s cheeks flushed and she looked at her with big eyes. "T..t..told who?" she stammered.  
"Eh? Duh! Caroline?" Tash rolled her eyes. How could Susie forget whom she loved?! Old people...?!  Tsk! They were like...old AND forgetful. Tash vowed never to  grow older than forty. Well, forty-two tops.  But she couldn't wait for Susie’s answer, because Raph was pulling her sleeve. "Mum...one beer? Pleeease?"  
"Did you ask Granny?" countered Tash. That dealt with the problem very effectively. Raph retreated back into his world of mobile gaming (with a glass of orange juice), and Tash got lost in the crowd, dancing and waving her ribbons to the music.  
  
After a little while, Gaye turned off the radio and Queenie seemed to have finally found the words to thank her surprise guests. The ladies gathered around her. "Friends, I really appreciate all the baking and decorating that you took care of. I had an inkling that you were planning something for me, but I was sure the suprise party would be tomorrow, and not tonight already. I'm very happy to share this special evening with such wonderful friends. Over these years we've shared tears together..."  
"Indeed, we have," murmured some ladies.  
"And we've shared laughter..."  
"Yes, laughter too," murmured some.  
"And recipes!" added Pauline.  
"And drinks!" added Tip.  
"Songs!" added Rosie.  
"Clothes!" laughed Eileen, shaking her head at the thought.  
"Stories!" added Sal.  
"Car rides!" added Susie.  
"Dinner parties!" added Caroline.  
"Knitting patterns!" added Kate.  
"And donkeys!" concluded Delilah.  
"There you go. We've shared many a thing in all those years. And I love you all for it. Thank you so much for being here today. And thank you all for my lovely present. What a sweet pup he is. Whatever shall I name him?"  
"Alagiah," said Rosie without hesitation. "Doesn't he look just like George Alagiah off the news? Look at his little eyes. He looks as though he understands the world, just like George Alagiah."  
"Alagiah, it is!" said Queenie. "Here, Alagiah!" The pup walked up to her excitedly and licked her hands.  
"See? He's a typical Alagiah," said Rosie.  
"He really is," said Sal. "Well done, Rosie. What would you like to drink?"  
"No drinks for me, Sal. I have to dance!" replied Rosie.  
  
The music was turned back on and Tash skipped towards Rosie, tied a ribbon around her wrist and together they set off in a dance that many a Victorian would have frowned upon.  
"Doesn't Susie look beautiful?!" shouted Rosie in between hops.  
"Yeah...like, wow!" replied Tash.  
"Like a proper princess! Not even a panto one."  
"Yeah, and how about Caroline?" asked Tash.  
"Like a lady! Her earrings have _real_ diamonds, I should think!" shouted Rosie. "Why don't they get married?"  
Tash pulled Rosie to the side, where the drinks were, so they could talk more privately.  
"They can't yet," said Tash, trying to catch her breath. "They first have to dance, and then share true love's first kiss."  
"Oo-oh." said Rosie, looking over to Susie and Caroline. She nodded. "So what do we do?"  
Tash answered with a mouthful of lactose  & gluten filled cheesy cupcake: “You ask the one to dance, I the other. While we dance, we tie a ribbon around their wrist. Then..we tie them to each other and run!”  
“Everyone thought your brother was so clever, but I think you are so much cleverer-er than him even. And he’s the doctor! HAHA”  
Tash smiled brightly. “That’s...wow...from your heart.”  
“Yep, from right here, that is,” said Rosie. “Let’s tie them up!”  
And so they did. They waved a ribbons to the beat of the music, and skipped over to the other corner of Queenie’s living room. Tash asked Caroline to dance and  pretended that the music was too loud for her to hear any of the excuses. Little white lies were good karma. Meanwhile Rosie hadn’t even really asked Susie to dance. She had just curtsied, and then dragged her into the middle of the room, tying the ribbon around her wrist immediately. “Come on, Susie! More hip action, like they do on Strictly!” Rosie showed an embarrassed Susie her hip thrusts. She nearly hip-checked Tash and Caroline, but then quickly joined Tash in tying the two other women together. “What are you doing?” asked a nervous Susie. “Tying you up,” said Rosie happily. “Tying you twos to each other, that’s what.”  
“Oh I’ve read about that in one of John’s magazines!” said Caroline. “Bondage parties! They’re all the rage!”  
“No...” said a dejected Susie.  
“Oh yes, apparently they are! All the rage!” repeated Caroline. “So how do we do this?”  
“Hip action,” said Rosie. “Lots of hip action. Can’t go wrong with that.”  
“Just let the flow take you,” said Tash, adding one last knot for good measure.  
“Hips?” protested Susie weakly.  
“Flow?” said a puzzled Caroline.  
But Rosie and Tash linked arms and danced away.  
“Margaret was in the Brownies for years” confided Rosie. “She showed me a few rope tricks. II don’t think they will get that knot out anytime soon.”  
From a safe distance they observed Susie and Caroline. First they were attempting some awkward dance moves, then gave up and tried to untie their wrists. This involved a lot of necessary handholding and unnecessary blushing. They finally seemed to have untied themselves but didn’t quite stop the handholding.  
“You’d make a very good Fairy Godmother,” said Rosie.  
“You think?” beamed Tash.  
“I do, I does. Can there be two Fairy Godmothers if there's no prince this year?” But Tash couldn’t answer. Gaye turned off the music and the energy in the room changed immediately. "The pup! The pup!" everyone shouted. "Alagiah is missing!"  
"I’m quite sure I saw him in the kitchen earlier, rugmunching!" said Caroline. Susie bit her lip, but held onto Caroline’s hand.  
Queenie ran towards the kitchen, saw evidence of the chewed rug, and then saw the kitchen door - leading towards the garden and then the Moors - half open.  
"Ladies, calm down," Kate stepped in front of the group. "Let me handle this. I'm a professional. I'm organising a search party. Who is in?"  
All ladies raised their hands.  
"Right," said Kate. "What was it again? The four-step-plan...Yes...Let me think. Step one: don't panic. Are we all done panicking?" She looked around the room at all the women staring back at her. "I say we are ready for step two. Step two: defining the problem. The problem is that Alagiah has run onto the Moors. He is likely not too far away, so I say we spread out in groups of two and circle around him, and bring him back home. Step three: Make a plan. Oh, hee hee hee,” she giggled. "I just did that. Silly! Step four: Execute the plan. Let's go ladies. Pair up please. You two are group A, and will set off to the West, circle around the big willow and then back South towards here. You two are group B, you will go..."  
Tash was waiting patiently until she was recruited into group G with Rosie, when she suddenly saw her mother's aura change colour. Her calm blue aura had streaks of evil orange in it. What was she up to?  
"Sorry, Caroline I would love to be group D with you, but there's really some stuff I need to discuss with Tip. Women's stuff...you know?"  
Caroline nodded quickly, not wanting to know what stuff that might be.  
"Would you mind terribly if Tip joined me in group D and you joined Susie in group F? It would mean ever so much to me."  
Caroline nodded her okay.  
"Thank you, Caroline. Tip - you're in D. Come join me!" Sal called out.  
As Tip joined her mother, Tash saw them winking to each other and then looking at Susie and Caroline. Aha! Her mother and Tip were also working towards getting them together. The whole universe was conspiring. This love was meant to be.  
Tash reached into her pocket and dug up a handful of confetti, throwing it up into the air and letting it sprinkle all around group F. _"Group Forever,"_ she thought to herself, as Susie picked a confetti out of Caroline's hair. Forever and ever.


	9. Hellhounds in the Shrubbery

**Chapter 9- Hellhounds in the shrubbery**

The sun had set over the moors surrounding Clatterford. Susie opened the back door of her Landrover Discovery and took out a soft shell jacket and a pair of sensible shoes. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw Caroline standing by the side of the road, looking dashing: hands in pockets. Caroline was impatiently waiting for her to get ready. Susie stepped into the shoes and zipped up her jacket.  
"Just a minute," she said. "Nearly ready."   
She rummaged around in the emergency kit she kept in the back of her car and took out a headlamp. "You want one of these? They're terribly sensible. Look, handsfree!" Caroline shook her head. "Do you think we should be taking a safety blanket? First aid kit? Mini barbecue?"   
Caroline was so vehemently shaking her head by this time, that Susie didn't dare ask her about taking the emergency flares. She slipped one into her pocket anyway (better safe than sorry!) and had to run a bit to catch up with Caroline who was already halfway down the road. They were heading towards a path that would lead them onto the moors, and hopefully towards Alagiah, Queenie's lost pup.

* * *

"What are we doing here?" whispered Sal. She was standing behind a big tree along the road, watching Rosie and Tash disappear onto the moors and waiting for Susie and Caroline to pass them by.   
"Shhh now!!!" Tip motioned wildly for Sal to remain silent. She waited for Susie and Caroline to round the corner and then practically jumped out from behind her tree. "Come on, let's head back to Queenie's!" she said. "I've got a date with a bottle of cider and some pork scratchings!"   
But Sal wasn't having it. "That's not very neighbourly. We're supposed to find a pup, remember? We should be heading that way. Search team D to the rescue!"   
"We will be finding the pup, and we won’t need to trample down the moors for it. Can you just trust me for a change?"   
“I don't trust you as far as I can throw you! Oh Tip, what have you been you up to?"   
Tip didn’t reply. She took Sal by the arm and pulled her along. "Cider and scratchings, that’s all the motivation _ **any**_ one should need.”

* * *

Susie and Caroline had walked a short distance and had discussed the sudden and unexplainable influx of Japanese Irises to the front gardens in the region, when there were perfectly fine British species to be planted. They came to the agreement that it probably had something to do with the French. These things usually had.   
“Speaking of France, is John back yet?” asked Susie.   
“No,” replied Caroline and kept walking brusquely.“Nor will he be. Keep up Susie, we want to be back inside before midnight.”   
“Yes, of course.” Susie shone her head lamp on Caroline and took a few skip steps to catch up. The darkness was falling eerily fast. She had never admitted it to anyone, but she felt quite uncomfortable in the dark.   
Caroline suddenly stood still and turned around to Susie. “You know, the girls have made it impossible for him to return. They did some chopping on the interweb.”   
“Hacking?”   
“No, no. I’m the one not hacking it very well anymore. Enough is enough, you know. And they must have picked up on it. They have done something with data that has blocked his passport. It is a sticky situation that will take a little while for the embassy to clear up. It was their own doing, mind. I didn’t set them up. They did, however, Twinkle and Grape my changing of the locks to all their friends. And my son,..”   
“Tweeded? Vined? The one in the rock band?”   
“Yes. Well he recorded...” Caroline choked on her words a bit. “He recorded a disproportionally angry cover of a Damp Cookie song. It’s got ten-thousand views on iDuct.”   
“Limp Bizkit? YouTube? ” asked Susie, but she was ignored.   
Caroline continued: “The doctor said that they all need to deal with the situation in their own way, you know? I’m doing some pilling now.”   
“No?”   
“Oh yes, to help me sleep. Pop some pills. It’s all very innocent and kids from broken homes grow up really well adjusted these days, you know. And apparently it’s really good for a career in poetry, should any of the children find a vocation there. I mean, just look at Chairil Anwar.”   
“Oh, Caroline, you never said!”   
“Well,” Caroline shrugged and started walking again. “So that’s that.”   
They continued on in silence for a little while, when Susie suddenly heard herself say: “Mine has finally moved out two months ago. Or rather: he finally moved in with that estate agent from Bristol that he met when we were on holiday in the Seychelles.”   
“The one with the MINI convertible, the hip flask and the mustache?”   
“That one.” “He seems a tad odd, but agreeable,” said Caroline.   
“He is. Rather him than anyone. He’s very good with the children too. They visit every other weekend now. That makes it easier for the kids; more structure.”   
“Quite.” Susie felt Caroline reach out and gently take her hand. Tears well up inside her as she entwined her fingers with Caroline’s. They walked on in silence. 

* * *

"Oh you are wicked!" exclaimed Sal. "You are pure evil!"   
"Pure evil _**genius**_ , to you miss !" Tip brushed imaginary dust off her imaginary shoulder plates. "I told you I would impress you with my archery skills. And haven't I?"   
She proudly stood in front of a dog cage, well concealed by some rhododendrons and Japanese irises in the back of Queenie's garden. Alagiah yelped softly from within the cage. "Let's get you out, eh, little'un. Bless you, you did very well. You did your foster mommy proud, yes you did."   
"You trained a pup, a _**birthday gift**_ pup, to hide himself in the garden so Caroline and Susie would end up taking a walk on the moors together?! You can't be that ..that..evil! Oh!"   
"It was a little less sophisticated than that, and it mainly involved a carefully laid out sausage trail, but yes. Evil as charged. Genius as self-identified. Pure as the mother virgin herself. Now, lets go find that cider.” 

* * *

“It’s a beast! A boar!” shrieked Susie.   
“A boar? What on earth would a boar be shuffling about the moors for at this time of year? Get a hold of yourself, Susie.”   
It had gotten quite a bit darker as they had walked along, making Susie feel very alert. The rustling she was now hearing convinced her that a rather large animal was ready to charge at them any moment now. A further rustling sound was heard. Susie felt certain the beasts (alarmingly plural now) had surrounded them. “You don’t suppose they could be Hellhounds?”   
“Susie, honestly! The nonexistant, mythical beasts of fiction?”   
“Well,” Susie was about to go into hyperventilation. “If you put it like that. It’s just that it sounds rather large and...eeeeek!!!” The snapping of a twig in their vicinity had seriously spooked Susie. “Hellhounds!” she shouted. “Hellhounds in the shrubbery!” The light from the headlamp shone on Caroline’s annoyed face and then nervously bobbed across the surrounding landscape, not really illuminating anything, but rather forming streaks of light as Susie was wildy sweeping her head from side to side.   
“Susie! Stop this nonsense at once, I implore you!” Susie felt something grab her arm and she shrieked before realising it was Caroline who roughly pulled Susie towards herself. Strong fingers combed through Susie’s hair carefully and then there was darkness. For a few moments Susie believed that she had finally swooned. It was what happened to all the ladies in the pocket romance novels she had a secret collection of. But then she felt Caroline’s breath on her cheek and heard her speak softly. “I’ve switched off the light. It’s a trick I learned from the nightly picnics we used to organise in school. It is wiser to take a moment to let your eyes get accustomed to the darkness. You will be able to look further into the landscape and it is surprising how much you can see in the dark, once your eyes get accustomed. We could always see much more than poor old Matron, coming after us with a lamp. All we had to do was stay out of her path, stay out of the bundle of light. And because she was so well lit in the dark, we could see her coming for miles.”   
“Oh,” was all Susie could answer. She felt her heart beat wildly in her chest and she was sure it was audible in the darkness.   
“There, I can already see the outline of the trees now. Can you?”   
“Yes,” whispered Susie. “I can see the outline of your face. Your eyes too, now. Your mouth.”   
“There you see?” said Caroline, “and now it’s clear that those boars and hellhounds you spoke of..” But Susie wasn’t interested in those anymore. She cupped the face she could now clearly see, stood on tip toe and kissed Caroline.   
  
“Oh hurrah!!!”   
“SHHHH!!!”   
was heard from the side of the path.   
“But it’s True Love’s Kiss! Hurrah!!!”   
“Shh! It isnt True Love’s Kiss until Caroline has kissed her back,” a loud whisper admonished.   
  
Caroline pulled away slightly from Susie. “As I was saying..the boarish hellhounds can now clearly be identified as Rosie and Tash.”   
Susie felt her cheeks reddening and was thankful for the relative darkness they were still surrounded by. She saw Caroline shrug. “But, ...you know..., just to be sure,” and Susie felt herself being pulled into another kiss. 

* * *

Half a bottle of cider later, Sal had finally been able to convince Tip that Susie and Caroline would have had enough time together. If nothing had happened already, they were beyond help. It was time to put the other search parties out of their misery.   
  
“Hiya, Kate. Yup, yes, found him. Oh he was right along the path you told us to walk. Ow..!” Tip had to stop relaying her info to Kate through mobile phone for a minute to ward off Sal. “He’s fine! We’re on our way to Queenie’s now. Perhaps you can call off the search?”   
  
Not long after that the first search duos were returning to Queenie’s house, hugging little Alagiah as if they had known the pup all their lives and couldn’t live without such a fine dog within their community. The last search parties to arrive were group E and F.   
  
“Sal, Sal!” shouted Rosie as soon as she got through the door. “I have a happy secret, but I think I should probably tell you immediately, just so Margaret don’t get upset.”   
“Of course, Rosie. Sit down and tell me anything you like.” Sal patted on the empty seat on Queenie’s sofa onto which Rosie let herself fall down with a little “Yoop! There we go. Well, the secret is that I am a fairy godmother, even when there is no panto on. Tash said it’s a happy secret that can be told to anyone who has an open heart. Is your heart open, Sal?” Rosie asked earnestly.   
Sal rolled her eyes. “As open as can be, Rosie.”   
“Good, so now you know.”   
“So your secret is that you are a fairy godmother, Rosie?” repeated Sal.  
“Yes, because you see when Tash and I bound Caroline to Susie so they would dance, and then we went to search for Alagiah, but not really, because Tash felt he was in a safe place, so we needn’t search for him, we went navigating in the dark. Which isn’t hard. Margaret was in the Brownies. And we saw Susie’s headlamp, so we followed them, because they had danced already, but not shared True Love’s First Kiss?” Rosie paused a moment to catch a breath and see if Sal was up to speed.   
Sal wasn’t but nodded encouragingly.   
“Right, and so Susie thought we were bad things in the shrubbery, which very nearly made me laugh, because bad things usually don’t hide in shrubbery; they hide in plain daylight, is what Margaret says. In plain daylight and you never know. So Tash made me stay really silent and then it happened.”   
“What happened, Rosie?” said Sal, understanding the story just about enough to get really excited.   
“They kissed! Hahahaha!” shouted Rosie. She jumped up from the couch. “They kissed! BAM! On the mouth, no singing!!!” she shouted.

Everyone turned around and looked at her.   
“Who kissed whom, Rosie?” enquired Eileen on behalf of everyone.   
“Them two’s is whom !” Everyone now turned in the direction Rosie was pointing and found a bright red Susie and a shyly grinning Caroline.  
“Well,” said Eileen, taking a short moment to gather her thoughts. “Well, these are modern times.”   
“They are,” agreed everyone. Ater all, it had been the new millenium for a while now.   
  
“These are modern times and good for you. You make a lovely pair. Now,” said Eileen, “speaking of the advancing of the times, ladies: look at the clock, it’s almost midnight! And you know what that means?”   
“More kissing!” said Tip.   
“Yes, very likely,” said Eileen,”I was young and in love once. Oh! Very likely. But also: Queenie is about to turn seventy officially. The big Seven-Oh!”   
  
“Oh!” shouted Rosie. But she quickly regained posture and pointed her finger, looking at everyone sternly: “That’s in decades.”  
  
“Indeed it is. So Queenie, Aligiah and ladies...” Eileen looked at all the smiling faces surrounding her. They were her Guild, her family. She proudly stuck her regalia forward and wiped a little tear from the corner of her eyes. She belonged. They all belonged. “Queenie, Aligiah and ladies, will you join me in an Old Lang Syne?”


	10. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

“There he is! There he is!!! Vicar!!” shouted Rosie. She was donned in a brightly pink robe and a sparkly tiara was clinging to her head. “Vicar, over here!!”   
The vicar finally seemed to notice her and waved from his Proud Anglicans section in Plymouth’s Pride in the Park parade. His rainbow-coloured knitted robe flowed behind him and he held a sign that said: “God is love”. He waved to the ladies of the Guild.  
Kate, with a pink boa around her neck, smiled and waved too. “Looking good, Hillary!” she shouted.   
“He does look dapper, our vicar” agreed Eileen. She wasn’t wearing her regalia, but instead displayed an officially issued pin that showed that she took part in a national workshop entitled: “Inclusiveness: we are all Spokes in the Big Wheel”. She turned around to Queenie who was wearing an apt t-shirt with the text: “I’m a Queenie and my daughter is Gaye”. Alagiah was standing next to her, thoughtfully chewing on his rainbow coloured leash.   
“Come on ladies,” said Eileen. “It is time to go to our stand! The parade is about to reach Victoria Park! Let’s get busy!”   
“I’m staying here. I want to wave at Delilah!” said Rosie. Delilah had somehow lost a bet against a group of bearded and scantily clad men and was now -wheelchair and all - the centerpiece of their float.   
“I’m sorry to say it, but I must, Rosie: I don’t think that is an image I want to collect in my memory,” smiled Eileen. “Come on ladies, there’s work to be done!” She led the other ladies to their stand in the park. It was beautifully decorated by Tash with little flags, ribbons, and lights, but - more importantly - it had an impressive number of home-baked cakes on display as well as a small selection of scented candles, three of Pauline’s recent oil paintings and a small but eclectic cheese selection. A banner that said The Diva’s Guild of Clatterford - in keeping with this pride’s theme - adorned the stand.

Tip and Sal were already busy selling the cakes (for charity of course), although Sal was mostly occupied with trying to keep the ladies away from her friend. She wasn’t just a little bit jealous of all the attention that Tip was so effortlessly receiving. Not that she wanted the same kind of attention, mind, but ANY kind of notion that the ladies were aware of her existence too would have been nice.   
“I’ve been fishing in the wrong waters, I’m telling you!” said Tip.  
“Oh, shush and cut some carrot cake!” replied Sal.

A little further away, Tash was sitting in the grass, creating lei’s. A group of young people had gathered around her. “I don’t know...” she said to them. “It’s like, my gender and sexuality are fluid. I don’t want to put myself in any kind of box, you know? I just want to be myself and love people. Right now, I’m a Spikosexual. That’s my husband, over there.”   
“Lovely hair!” said one of the boys.   
“I know right? And he plays guitar. He is, like, perfection. And if he was a woman, I would still be attracted to his soul, you know? That is pride.”   
“That’s deep,” said the boy.

“Fertilisation and insemination?!” said Caroline.   
“Yes, but have you heard what I actually said? Don’t get annoyed about the words, let me explain.” Susie placed a calming hand on Caroline’s arm, but to no avail.   
“They’re not cattle, they’re people! No,” she waved her hand in front of her. “I don’t want to hear any more about it. It sounds positively medieval.”   
Caroline’s youngest, engrossed in a mobile video game, looked up and said: “It’s GCSE level biology. It’s really quite simple.”   
“I’m not debating the complexity of the involved biological processes. Susie, can you hand me my wine? What I’m saying is that we’re living in 2013 and women’s health is still in its prehistoric stages! Fertilization..honestly!”   
Susie and Caroline were sitting on a picnic blanket, taking in all the different kinds of families that were surrounding them. Susie’s kids and Tash’ son had befriended a set of twins who had somehow ended up with 4 parents. And just now Susie had given up explaining this to Caroline. She linked her hand with Caroline’s and smiled at her. “I like when you get a little militant,” she said.   
“Ew,” said Freya. She looked up from her phone “Mum, can I go shopping now?...Please!”   
“Remember what we’ve said: in the afternoon we’re staying together as a family. In the evening you can go your own way,” replied Caroline.   
Freya looked at Susie with pleading eyes. Susie shook her head.   
An annoyed Freya pointed at her tshirt that read: “My mums are gay but they’re still boring. #prideinthepark”   
“I’m now _**actually**_ going to tweet that,” she grumbled.

THE END


End file.
